The Stable is currently running an op ed series, I Wish I’d Done That. (You’re all very welcome to send yours and have your 10,080 minutes [week] of fame.) This is mine. I have no doubt you’ll understand why.
Here is Colenso’s description of its client Christmas gift:
After another exhausting year for advertisers and marketers courtesy of Covid, Colenso BBDO has come up with a Christmas gift for its clients that should ensure everyone gets the break they need.
This year, instead of a typical gift, the agency has issued its clients a 21-day restraining order. The order, which lasts the entirety of the Christmas break, has been beautifully designed into the label of a bottle of wine. Each bottle comes packaged in a manila box and was ‘served’ to clients in person by Colenso’s newly minted legal person and front of house manager.
The restraining order requests that clients “maintain a distance of at least 2 metres from the premise and employees – the distance commonly required to pass an urgent new brief from one person to another.”
The writers have been careful not to leave any loopholes, even stating that contact via a third party “such as your cousin’s boyfriend who flats with Reks our retoucher” will be deemed a breach of the order.
If a breach does occur, the agency has clearly outlined the consequences. For example, new briefs received after 12pm on a Friday “will be lit on fire”. The usual lavish agency catering will be reduced to fruit platters containing only, “sliced banana and withered grapes”. In meetings, clients will “relinquish their right to laugh when a creative director describes his/her/their intended ‘vision’.” Marketers tempted to send Colenso an urgent brief over the break risk being forced to “agree to run the 90-second version of any TV ad, despite specifically declaring at least five (5) times they had no use for a 90”.
Other consequences of breaching the order include a “20% reduction in logo size” and “a mandatory shoot somewhere in South America”.
“2021 has been a year where consumer confidence and spending plummeted, then skyrocketed, shoots were on, then off, then on again. The unpredictability of Covid combined with WFH, a global talent shortage and terrible hair has made the need for a proper summer break even more important. We’re excited to launch into 2022 with our fantastic clients. But first, a break,” stated Simon Vicars, chief creative officer of Colenso BBDO.
